Funerals

Your never ready to plan a parents funeral. I don't care who you are. Tina, my sister, and I are trying to plan this out. The services in North Carolina are going to cost about $6000.00 and the plots are going to cost us $1000.00. I keep telling myself the Lord will provide. We still need to find out what Colorado is going to cost us with embalming and transporting to North Carolina. The last thing we need right now is this shock. We are trying to say we are ready and we are okay, but we are not. I just don't want this to happen and us be unprepared. We are trying to think ahead of the inevitable. I have decided that after all this is over, I am going to start paying on a pre planned funeral for myself. I never want my kids to have this stress. I never seen it before. People think Tina and I are being the strong ones, but I break down every night. It is so mentally exhausting. I mean no disrespect to my Dad by doing this while he is alive, we just don't want to be hit hard with this when it comes. Take care everyone, Thought I would share my thoughts for the week. Donations can be sent to....lol, just kidding.

The Doctor

Yesterday at 2pm was Dad's appointment to meet with the doc again. Mom called me at 3:45. "The news isn't good", she said, I was thinking, it hasnt been good since all this started 4 years ago. Stage 3B lung cancer is when the cancer to spreads to lymph nodes in the neck area on the same side of the body as the infected lung. Stage 4 is when it starts to attack other organs. Dad has some fluid on the outer lining of the stomache, it's cancer. Theres that damn 6 letter word again. I am waiting for the breakdown to hit me, it will, eventually. I want to tell my Dad that we'll be okay, that I will take care of Mom. That I am sorry for what he is going through. That I wish I could take it all away....
After a restless night
of tossing
and turning

and unremembered dreams

I awaken to the sound of rain and am oddly comforted ~

I do not weep alone.

The sadness is heavy,
overwhelming
threatening to burst through the numbness. ...

my dad has cancer...
One word six letters.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me?"

What idiot said that?

One word six letters
my life
will never be the same.

Dream inside a dream

So this is a bit strange, but I wanted to share this dream I had the other night. I am a bit into the paranormal, if anyone doesn't know. (That's a heads up on the dream).
So I dreamed that I was dreaming. And in the dream in a dream, a black mist was wrapping itself around me, starting with my arms, and moving up to my throat. I was screaming "Help Me" as loud as I could, but nothing was coming out more than a whisper. I started clawing at Dustin trying to wake him up and he was not responding. When I though I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen, I woke up in my dream, then woke in real life. I reached over and Dustin was in the same position he was in my dream. Needless to say, I could not sleep very well the rest of the night. Thought I would share......

Grace

Poor Miss Grace. If it is not one thing around here, it's another! Grace is doing a bit bettter today. She is still not eating, not even the baby food. Last Thursday I took her in because she was coughing a bit and vomiting. They said she had pnemonia! She had a fever of 105 at that point. Dogs are normally 100.5. They sent her home on antibiotics, a pill for upset tummy, and a pill for pain and fever. Well, yesterday I took her back in because she started having black bloody stools, crusty nose and eyes, and not eating at all. Turns out the pain reducer pill gave her an ulcer! The pnemonia is still there and a bit worse. They gave her 2 antibiotics, a pill for the ulcer, and drops for her eyes now, (she has scratched both lenses). She had a good night, and this morning went outside without being carried. She still wags that little tail fast as ever when I tell her she is beautiful. Funny how our dogs are so much like our kids. Some people just have a dog, we have 4 more kids here. Speaking of kids, all 4 kids are finally home together again. Mandi came home last Sunday, now her car is here for her too. It was a big step for her to drive from Colorado to Utah on her own! Now they can all enjoy the last few weeks of their summer vacation. I know I am not bothered that school starts soon. I am so very excited! Take care everyone!